


XXIV. Glow

by causeimdifferent



Series: Wanted [24]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Hospital, Injury, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 04:33:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2215986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/causeimdifferent/pseuds/causeimdifferent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A vigil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	XXIV. Glow

 

Philip’s hand is warm and dry as Thomas takes it into his own.

_Just give me a little twitch.  
_

_Anything._

 

Nothing. 

Philip’s fingers rest passively in Thomas’ right palm.

Yet he senses the hidden pulse inside. Telling him, there is still a soul alive in this body.

Thomas’ fingertips feel out the creases and calluses in Philip’s palm and along his fingers up until their tips meet.

Bringing back the memory of Philip’s touch on Thomas’ skin as vividly if he caressed him just seconds ago.

Fingers and hands traveling along Thomas’s lips, following his cheekbones, his jawline, stroking his hair, exploring his chest and stomach.

Lips, that now lie shrunken and pallid, but molded still in their sensual curve, kissing him.

Eyes looking at him, aglow.

And all of this saying: ‘I love you.’

Thomas puts his gloved palm around the back of Philip’s hand as well.

To hold it firm, as if to keep him from slipping away.

 

_I refuse to believe your hands will never touch me again the way they used to._

_I refuse to believe your eyes will never look at me again the way they used to._

_I refuse to believe your lips will never kiss me again the way they used to._

_Please don’t go._

_At least not before you gave me a chance to let you know:_

_I love you too._

 

A pain like an axe breaking Thomas’s chest apart tears deeply into his heart.

Releasing a low grief-stricken sound, a hurt animal caught up in a trap.

Philip’s face lies motionless, dim light painting it with shadows.

Smudged by the tears that are rising to Thomas’s eyes.

 

An arm comes to rest heavily around his back.

“He’ll be alright”, Jimmy whispers.

“No”, Thomas sobs, “No, he won’t. Everyone I’ve ever loved left me behind.”

Jimmy’s embrace gets tighter as does Thomas’s grip around Philip’s hand.

_I will not let you go._

_I won’t._

“He will be.” Jimmy insists, his chin now resting on Thomas’ shoulder, his hair caressing Thomas’s cheek. “He has to.”

Thomas sniffles. “Funny _you_ would say that.”

“He’s been very kind to me. Perhaps just for your sake. But what does it matter. I tried to hate him. But I couldn’t. And …” Jimmy continues barely audible now, “ … you need to be with him as much as he needs to be with you.”

“What?” Thomas mumbles, numbly, turning his head to look at Jimmy. His eyes black coals in the twilight.

“You know it is true, don’t fight it. I knew it the moment I saw you together for the first time, that day at the polo club. By the way you were looking at each other and touching each other. I am young and perhaps I’m stupid but I surely am not blind.”

Thomas stifles a sob.

“He was devastated, he was”, Jimmy says, “He didn’t say so. He needn’t to. Look at him. Him being so gaunt hasn’t all to do with the accident. He's changed so much from the way he was when he was with you, it gave me a start, when I saw him. He didn’t talk of you much, but when he did I knew his heart was broken.”

“Nothing of this would have happened if I had not left him, right?”

“Thomas, don’t … I didn’t mean to … It’s just, it seemed his life didn’t mean much to him anymore. He was being careless about himself. Like – he was shaking with a fever when we went to the club that day. He belonged in bed. But he would not have any of it, as he was one of the substitute players. For the first time, you know. And then this one player falls and breaks his arm. And Philip filled in. He was so excited."

_Of course he would be._

“He scored like a champ. People were cheering him on. He looked so happy for a change. And then his horse stumbled, the field being all slippery with ice and snow, taking him down with it, rolling over him. There were other horses around him, a big muddle. No one saw exactly what happened. Seems like he was hit by a hoof. There is a mark on the left side of his head, you can’t see it from here. They didn’t even have to stitch it up. Just a scratch and a bump, doesn’t look like much. But they say with brain injuries the damage is hard to tell from the outside.”

Jimmy’s body tenses up against Thomas’ side, as if to prepare for worse to come.

“He was delirious and didn’t recognize anyone. At first they thought his skull is fractured, but they couldn’t find any proof for that. Everybody hoped it’s just a severe concussion. Now they think he has a brain trauma and a cerebral oedema or something. Basically a swelling of the brain. That’s why they propped him up a bit, that’s supposed to help. He was so disoriented and in so much pain, you see, with his leg broken as well. That’s why he’s so heavily sedated…” Jimmy’s voice cracks. “They say that's all they can do for him.”

Only now does Thomas register Philip’s left leg in a plaster cast.

“They won the game though, thanks to him. The club’s owner knows him, he is paying for the treatment.”

_You damn fool, risking your life for a bleeding game. As if you didn’t know your fucking life is not just about you._

“Some good news at last”, Thomas sighs, exhausted.

Jimmy clears his throat and wriggles about on his chair.

_No more bad tidings, please._

“Don’t you want to know why I was there at all?”

Thomas shakes his head: “All that matters is, that you called me and that you are here with me right now.”

 

He moves his chair even closer to the bed.

To carefully put his arms around the unconscious man and softly rest his head on his chest.

“His heart is beating”, Thomas says, as if he’d expected otherwise.

Just faintly, but beating all the same.

_I’m here, Philip._

_I’m here and I will never go away again._

_I promise._

_I’m here and I love you._

_I love you._

“It is beating stronger”, Thomas whispers.

“I swear Jimmy, it is beating stronger, suddenly. Just a little bit.”

“I would not be surprised”, Jimmy mumbles, resting his head on Thomas’ back.

 

The slow tadunk-tadunk of Philip’s struggling heart carries Thomas away like a raft.

He is floating.

Into Philip’s bed on a summer morning.

A new day. A new dawn. A new beginning.

An early breeze teasing the curtains to reveal the sky - azure with streaks of bright pink and orange.

“Look, like on our first morning we ever woke up together”, Thomas says, pointing a finger.

“But today we don’t have to hurry”, Philip’s eyes are sparkling. “No one is waiting. We can stay in bed all day.”

“That’s all I ever wanted.”

"I know."

 

Thomas stretches out his hands to caress Philip’s dimples with his thumbs, but under his touch they disappear.

“Thomas, don’t run away again”, Philip says. “If this is my last breath, I want to take it with you.”

“I won’t. If this is my last chance, I want to take it on you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> The title and the last two lines I brazenly borrowed from SirPaul's song "Glow":
> 
> "If this is my last breath, I want to take it with you.
> 
> If this is my last chance, I want to take it on you."
> 
> Because I've found those lines madly romantic from when I first heard them and I've been wanting to weave them into a piece of fiction ever since.


End file.
